Crackers and cornflakes

Someone mentioned Graham crackers to me this morning. I was aware they existed, but, not being an American, that was the limit of my knowledge. until now...



...a little research... [my comments]

"All kinds of stimulating and heating substances; high-seasoned food; rich dishes; the free use of flesh; and even the excess of aliment; all, more or less -- and some to a very great degree -- increase the concupiscent [Yeah, where do I get me some of that?] excitability and sensibility of the genital organs..."

-- Sylvester Graham

[Warning: This next paragraph may induce vomiting, especially in those recommended to use carbolic. Yes]

"A remedy [for masturbation] which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision...The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind...In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid to the clitoris [See what I mean?] an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement. "

-- Dr. John Harvey Kellogg

[My God, these people were animals!]

The graham cracker was developed in nineteenth century America by Presbyterian minister Rev. Sylvester Graham. Conceived of as a "health food", it is more like a digestive biscuit than a cracker [So, first off, Graham crackers are not crackers. The inventor, however, was.]. Originally made solely with graham flour. Most modern "graham crackers" contain no graham flour at all and are instead made mostly of the refined, bleached white flour to which the Rev. Graham was implacably opposed.

His original "Graham bread" was the centerpiece of the diet he created to suppress what he considered unhealthy carnal urges, the source of many maladies according to Graham. He also warned that ketchup and mustard induced insanity [Only when used together]. He gained many followers and even set up boardinghouses, where his diet was observed, in New York, Boston and other cities.

Graham crackers are no longer considered health food, but have remained popular as a snack food with greater amounts of sugar, honey and other sweeteners than in the original recipe. Cinnamon is commonly added to enhance the flavor.

Graham crackers have themselves become ingredients for other snack foods, including moon pies and S'mores[ah, here we are, this is what I was really researching...], and are often crushed for use as crusts [just like you said, Tramp] in some baked goods.


"...Sylvester Graham was raised by a succession of relatives, working as a farm hand, clerk and teacher before chronic ill health [translation: either rampant, or nonexistent masturbation] led him to choose the ministry as a less stressful profession. Graham preached under the auspices of the Presbytery of Newark in New Jersey during the early 1830's, during which time he began to propound his distinctive, all-encompasing reformist ideas on diet and health...

...Beyond diet, he recommended hard mattresses [ooh, baby!], open bedroom windows [dirty bugger], chastity [poop], cold showers, loose clothing, pure water and vigorous exercise [but I thought... Oh, never mind...]. He became a well known, if controversial, lecturer on not only the Grahamite [go Graham, go Graham, go Graham...] philosophy, but physiology and anatomy and the position of the Bible [slightly to the right, methinks] on wine and meat, and he directed a special series of lectures toward African-Americans [Ohboy. I ain't touchin' that mofo]. "

While eating graham crackers recently, we were discussing the myth that they were invented to keep girls [not girls, specially...] from engaging in, uh, self-abuse. Is this true? How were they supposed to work? Didn't Graham realize he might frustrate an entire generation?

Frustrate, nothing. Health lecturer Sylvester Graham (1794-1851) was trying to save shattered lives--not just of women, but everybody who suffered from what Graham referred to variously as "venereal excess" or "aching sensibility". Graham thought intense physical desire, no matter how expressed and regardless of whether you were married or not, was guaranteed to have dire physiological consequences [So... is 'dire' bad? :-) ].

A forebear of the hairy-palms-and-blindness school of moral instruction, Graham said excessive carnal exercise would cause indigestion, headache, feebleness of circulation, pulmonary consumption, spinal diseases, epilepsy, insanity, and early death of offspring, among other things. He thought men should remain virgins until age 30 and then should make love only once a month--not at all if they were sickly. [You feeling sickly at all? No? Right, go for it.]

To control lust, Graham prescribed a special vegetarian diet, the centerpiece of which was "Graham bread," made from whole wheat flour. Graham crackers, which Graham invented in 1829, were another manifestation [spawn, you might say. Offspring, perhaps] of the same idea.

Graham attracted a fair number of followers, who opened Graham boardinghouses in New York and Boston where his dietary regimen was observed. But most people regarded him as a nut. [No shit?] He was assaulted by mobs on at least three occasions, once by butchers and bakers who thought he was going to drive them out of business. [The candlestick makers, despite giving their support to the mob violence, were busy at home, bonking] He was cranky [Did I say 'no shit?' already? No shit?] and aloof [!] and alienated even those who admired him, so much so that he gave up the lecture business in 1839 and lived out the last years of his life in relative obscurity.

His saving grace was that in many important respects he was right. Although he was a little [This word obviously requires further definition...] goofy on the question of sex, many of his ideas about health were sound. He advocated daily toothbrushing, once considered a revolutionary idea, as well as fresh air, regular bathing, exercise, and seven hours of sleep. During an era of recurring cholera epidemics he urged people to drink pure water.

Here endeth. And probably just as well!